Not so long ago, I tried to tell a woman what I find wrong with pornography and BDSM, as I sometimes do “Don’t tell me you are one of those people who think all sex is dirty”, she spat back.
Who thinks sex is dirty? Let us see:
> Pornography and BDSM say women are sl_ts and wh_res and b_tches. (On occasion it uses the same slurs for a male, but then the degraded partner is compared to a woman.) The implication is that sexuality is dirty, that women should be ashamed of their sexuality. Logically, it reflects back on their partners too: If a woman is dirty because you touched her, what does it say of your hands?
I, on the other hand, do not believe in such slurs. Someone who looks for love in all the wrong places is not worth any less. Someone who had – or has – to get an income in a way that breaks her from the inside and gets disrespect from society is not worth any less either.
> BDSM and pornography shows sex as violent and violence as sexy. It is filled with pain, fear and inequality. BDSM even has sadism in the acronym.
I believe sex should be mutually kind and respectful – it should build up instead of degrade.
> BDSM contains “discipline” in the acronym – a euphemism for punishments. Porn is advertised with terms like “hottie punished” and “teen b_tch gets what is coming to her”. It sees some participants as shameful and their actions as worthy of being punished.
People like me believe sex should not be a punishment. (If it is, you are doing it wrong!)
> Pornography and BDSM call what they do “scenes”. To call it acting is not 100% accurate – real pain and trauma is sometimes endured, and tied up subs are really, physically, helpless. But it is not 100% untrue either. Practitioners of porn and BDSM seem to need the shield of a false persona.
Someone who sees herself (himself) as clean, her (his) partner as clean, and the acts they engage in as clean, would not need to hide behind a false persona – s/he would not fear her partner seeing her (his) real feelings and thoughts. I believe in intimacy on the level of the heart, head and body – bringing your true self to someone you can love and trust.
> Rape, slavery, racism or concentration camps are often the basic idea from which pornography and BDSM finds their inspiration. If the pornography and BDSM communities cry, then, that what they do is consensual and consent makes it all okay, they are implying that rape and slavery – the non-consensual core inspiring their acts – is not okay.
People like me, on the other hand, does not get inspiration from non-consensual acts. We act consensually on consensual things that arouses us, our desires are clean at the core.
> People who discuss BDSM on the Internet often choose nicknames that include words like “cruel”, “wh_re”, “wicked”, “twisted”, etc., for themselves. They choose to call themselves dirty!
I, on the other hand, believe in kind, mutual sex acts that people do not need to be ashamed of, or call themselves dirty for.
> In short, pornography and BDSM brings pain, rape, shame, fear, degradation, sadism, ambiguous consent (“no means yes, safe words mean no, consensual non-consent”), pretence, seeing multiple partners as just sex objects, and slavery to the bedroom.
I believe in kindness1, unambiguous consent (“yes means yes, no means no”), enthusiasm, openness, honesty2, mutual enjoyment, long-term trust for a long-time partner, safety and mutual respect in the bedroom.
Who, please tell me again, treats sex as dirty?
Note to commenters: If the word “BDSM” gives you a desire to tell me some clichés I heard and answered before, please stay on topic, and please do not include porn/ BDSM in the comment or the optional URL next to name and e-mail in the comment form. Thank you.
1 Kindness: I wanted to write “love”, but it would have been easy to misunderstand.
2 Openness/ honesty: wanted to write “intimacy”(into-me-see), but it would have been easy to misunderstand.