This is the words from someone who calls herself Ro. B. Warning: Please be aware that talk of rape, bondage, etc. may be triggering for some survivors of sexual abuse. Instead of placing a piece this long in a quote block, I will make the quoted passage blue. Note how – and women who speak like this are the only ones who explain their interest in being a BDSM bottom to me in a rationally understandable way – her self image problems is the main reason why this feels right to her:
This is something, rather long, that I wrote for a website a while back that never got published. I thought it wasn’t doing any good sitting on my computer where only I can read it, so I wanted to share it with you sisters. This is a personal story, but I wanted to use the use the plural pronoun because I’ve felt alone in this for too long, but I see now that feeling is a lie. Thank you for sharing your heart with me, now I would like to share with you]
We are out there. We exist. We probably don’t know each other because we tend to keep our sin a secret, but we are out there. Some of us come from traumatic pasts, but not all of us. Some of us can’t trace our shameful desires back to a specific starting point, and that troubles us. A few of us feel like sullied outcasts, even among communities of other women, but here is a chance to be open.
We’ve read before that sex is supposed to be the closest thing to a perfect reflection of the intimacy God wants to have with us. It is meant to be a glimpse of His communion with us. It is a gift where two people can become as close as any two people can ever be, and yet God still wants to come closer.
We get that. But it’s scary, you know? It would make us vulnerable. And we know without a doubt that we are so unworthy of an intimacy like that.
And so we slink away, looking for gratification elsewhere. A gratification with very little intimacy, or even a perverted intimacy, because we know that we could never measure up to that perfect communion.
We already know that we are unworthy, and the enemy and the world and our minds like to remind us daily of our faults and our mistakes and our less-than statuses.
And so we look for a way to feel okay about being unworthy. We are upset and hurt and deeply aware of our own imperfections, and so we look for ways to turn those feelings into something pleasurable.
We can go on feeling unworthy because now we can get gratification from being told we are unworthy. We can imagine scenarios in which we are treated just as we think we deserve, and we force ourselves to find pleasure and release in those fantasies.
It’s not a satisfying pleasure, or a lasting release. In fact, it brings shame and guilt and fear afterwards, and so the cycle continues. And in the back of our minds we know, we really do, that this is not the way it’s supposed to be. But in the moment, oh in the moment we give in, because those feelings seem so real and the perfect communion that comes from the promise of grace seems so far out of our reach.
We look for pleasure in being treated like a slave because we forget that we have been set free. Oh, we were slaves once, but we don’t have to be anymore. We were prisoners once, but our chains have been broken. Why do we insist on returning to the very bondage from which we have been saved?
Because it’s so easy to be pulled away from the Truth that we are worthy, that we have been made pure, that we are cherished, the beloved children of God.
And sometimes, we’ve let our flesh form a habit so strong that it can be hard to break. Sometimes, even after a day full of truth and freedom, one small trigger can send us spiralling back toward slavery.
But we still love Jesus, and He has still redeemed us. The struggle seems never-ending, but His mercies are still new every morning, and He still calls us Beloved, even when every inch of our flesh fights against that grace. He is still patient, and He gently leads us to walk in His freedom… so it’s time to start walking together.
Goodness towards a woman like this is to support her struggle for freedom. It is downright cruel to encourage her participation in the slavery-type activities that feels right to her bad self image.
Note about commenting: I close down comments here right from the start, as the writer of this did not give permission to publish comments on her reflection.