In a recent internet discussion, someone was blasting “Christianity” and wishing for Christians to deconvert. She mentioned, in her rant, a lot of ugly things “Christianity” does in her view. I answered that I dislike those things too. But Christianity is Christ-ianity, being like Christ and following him. The things she mention is not Christ-ian, as Jesus will never recommend them. (It is, methinks, shocking how un-Christian some church people are.)
She then answered, among other things, that she agrees with me about Jesus. But I could be Christ-like enough by just following the golden rule. If I don’t proclaim the sexist and otherwise ugly things some Christians are (in her opinion) known for, I could as well drop the label Christian and just be good, like Jesus was good.
Here was my answer: (more…)
This is a common bit of advice on dating sites:
Lower your standards, you are far from perfect yourself.
This is partly true - None of us could expect a beautiful/ handsome film star with lots of money and 100% devotion who will never cheat on us. If you expect too much, there is a time to lower your standards.
But it seems to be true only superficially. Think of a woman who is not very attractive to men, one whom men will superficially call a “three.” Now, I hate that system of valuing people – a truly attractive woman, a woman with lesser looks, and an aged woman who lost the good looks she had, are all equally valuable as people. But for the sake of argument, I will call this woman a three now. Suppose Miss Three wants a man who can give her conversation on her level, and who is at least capable to do his share in providing. She should not date a man who is a three (less than average) in conversation on her level, or a three in provision (while her capacity to provide for herself is a five).
In such a relationships based on low standards, Mr. Three will feel he accepted an unworthy woman because he is unworthy, and Miss Three will feel the same about her man. Such a relationship, for anyone who is less than perfect, is based on shortcomings. Such a focus tends to break a relationship down, not build it up.
If, on the other hand, Mr. Three and Miss Three instead went out to make a list of their good qualities, and tried to find partners who will appreciate that and have a need for that, they could have done much better. There could be men willing to look at Miss Three’s less-than-plain face and love her kindness and sense of humor, despite her face with the big nose and long jaw. There may even be a man who loves her face because he looks at the gentle eyes and pleasant smile, not the ugly nose and jaw. And that man may have some of the qualities Miss Three would want in a man.
Similarly, there could be women who don’t care about money or intelligent conversation, and mostly enjoy that Mr. Three is a glib and charming talker, whom they could move on from when they get tired of him.
Many people will be better off if they don’t judge themselves by how datable they are to the average member of the opposite sex, but look out for partners who will appreciate the good qualities they do have. It doesn’t matter what the average guy/ gal thinks of you – as long as the one you are with is above average enough to appreciate your special qualities.
Why would anyone want to be a BDSM bottom partner? Reflections from someone who struggles with BDSM fantasies
This is the words from someone who calls herself Ro. B. Warning: Please be aware that talk of rape, bondage, etc. may be triggering for some survivors of sexual abuse. Instead of placing a piece this long in a quote block, I will make the quoted passage blue. Note how – and women who speak like this are the only ones who explain their interest in being a BDSM bottom to me in a rationally understandable way – her self image problems is the main reason why this feels right to her:
This is something, rather long, that I wrote for a website a while back that never got published. I thought it wasn’t doing any good sitting on my computer where only I can read it, so I wanted to share it with you sisters. This is a personal story, but I wanted to use the use the plural pronoun because I’ve felt alone in this for too long, but I see now that feeling is a lie. Thank you for sharing your heart with me, now I would like to share with you]
We are out there. We exist. We probably don’t know each other because we tend to keep our sin a secret, but we are out there. Some of us come from traumatic pasts, but not all of us. Some of us can’t trace our shameful desires back to a specific starting point, and that troubles us. A few of us feel like sullied outcasts, even among communities of other women, but here is a chance to be open.
We’ve read before that sex is supposed to be the closest thing to a perfect reflection of the intimacy God wants to have with us. It is meant to be a glimpse of His communion with us. It is a gift where two people can become as close as any two people can ever be, and yet God still wants to come closer.
We get that. But it’s scary, you know? It would make us vulnerable. And we know without a doubt that we are so unworthy of an intimacy like that.
And so we slink away, looking for gratification elsewhere. A gratification with very little intimacy, or even a perverted intimacy, because we know that we could never measure up to that perfect communion.
We already know that we are unworthy, and the enemy and the world and our minds like to remind us daily of our faults and our mistakes and our less-than statuses.
And so we look for a way to feel okay about being unworthy. We are upset and hurt and deeply aware of our own imperfections, and so we look for ways to turn those feelings into something pleasurable.
We can go on feeling unworthy because now we can get gratification from being told we are unworthy. We can imagine scenarios in which we are treated just as we think we deserve, and we force ourselves to find pleasure and release in those fantasies.
It’s not a satisfying pleasure, or a lasting release. In fact, it brings shame and guilt and fear afterwards, and so the cycle continues. And in the back of our minds we know, we really do, that this is not the way it’s supposed to be. But in the moment, oh in the moment we give in, because those feelings seem so real and the perfect communion that comes from the promise of grace seems so far out of our reach.
We look for pleasure in being treated like a slave because we forget that we have been set free. Oh, we were slaves once, but we don’t have to be anymore. We were prisoners once, but our chains have been broken. Why do we insist on returning to the very bondage from which we have been saved?
Because it’s so easy to be pulled away from the Truth that we are worthy, that we have been made pure, that we are cherished, the beloved children of God.
And sometimes, we’ve let our flesh form a habit so strong that it can be hard to break. Sometimes, even after a day full of truth and freedom, one small trigger can send us spiralling back toward slavery.
But we still love Jesus, and He has still redeemed us. The struggle seems never-ending, but His mercies are still new every morning, and He still calls us Beloved, even when every inch of our flesh fights against that grace. He is still patient, and He gently leads us to walk in His freedom… so it’s time to start walking together.
Goodness towards a woman like this is to support her struggle for freedom. It is downright cruel to encourage her participation in the slavery-type activities that feels right to her bad self image.
Note about commenting: I close down comments here right from the start, as the writer of this did not give permission to publish comments on her reflection.
Please be patient if your comments are not answered or approved quickly – I won’t be near my computer in the next few days.
I used to like doing apologetics, but I have grown weary of it lately. There are several reasons why I grew weary, but lately I thought, among others: “If the all-powerful God I serve chose, or allowed, to let Bible passages be included that could be used by a rather reasonable anti-Christian to call God murderous or misogynous (and God sure did)*, then He is bigger than me and He can defend himself against these charges.”
People show and accept love in different ways… Ever since i can remember, i’ve shown affection through compliance- before i knew there was a word for it, i would devote all of my time, attention, openness, and trust to someone i care about. From listening and obeying my father to tending to my boyfriend’s needs. This is the most natural way i know how to show love, and unfortunately, people have taken advantage of this throughout my life… His hunger for power turns into my hunger to surrender it. His sadistic urges become my masochistic ones… i’ve surrendered all control, even that of comfort. i’m enduring something unpleasant because i have no say- and that’s wonderful for me, because being in control on a day to day basis makes me anxious and sad. – Subself
These words were on the blog of a submissive, in answer to me (creating a tumblr under the nickname Cyberaza in order to start a conversation) when I expressed concern over (more…)