Why would anyone want to be a BDSM bottom partner? Reflections from someone who struggles with BDSM fantasies
This is the words from someone who calls herself Ro. B. Warning: Please be aware that talk of rape, bondage, etc. may be triggering for some survivors of sexual abuse. Instead of placing a piece this long in a quote block, I will make the quoted passage blue. Note how – and women who speak like this are the only ones who explain their interest in being a BDSM bottom to me in a rationally understandable way – her self image problems is the main reason why this feels right to her:
This is something, rather long, that I wrote for a website a while back that never got published. I thought it wasn’t doing any good sitting on my computer where only I can read it, so I wanted to share it with you sisters. This is a personal story, but I wanted to use the use the plural pronoun because I’ve felt alone in this for too long, but I see now that feeling is a lie. Thank you for sharing your heart with me, now I would like to share with you]
We are out there. We exist. We probably don’t know each other because we tend to keep our sin a secret, but we are out there. Some of us come from traumatic pasts, but not all of us. Some of us can’t trace our shameful desires back to a specific starting point, and that troubles us. A few of us feel like sullied outcasts, even among communities of other women, but here is a chance to be open.
We’ve read before that sex is supposed to be the closest thing to a perfect reflection of the intimacy God wants to have with us. It is meant to be a glimpse of His communion with us. It is a gift where two people can become as close as any two people can ever be, and yet God still wants to come closer.
We get that. But it’s scary, you know? It would make us vulnerable. And we know without a doubt that we are so unworthy of an intimacy like that.
And so we slink away, looking for gratification elsewhere. A gratification with very little intimacy, or even a perverted intimacy, because we know that we could never measure up to that perfect communion.
We already know that we are unworthy, and the enemy and the world and our minds like to remind us daily of our faults and our mistakes and our less-than statuses.
And so we look for a way to feel okay about being unworthy. We are upset and hurt and deeply aware of our own imperfections, and so we look for ways to turn those feelings into something pleasurable.
We can go on feeling unworthy because now we can get gratification from being told we are unworthy. We can imagine scenarios in which we are treated just as we think we deserve, and we force ourselves to find pleasure and release in those fantasies.
It’s not a satisfying pleasure, or a lasting release. In fact, it brings shame and guilt and fear afterwards, and so the cycle continues. And in the back of our minds we know, we really do, that this is not the way it’s supposed to be. But in the moment, oh in the moment we give in, because those feelings seem so real and the perfect communion that comes from the promise of grace seems so far out of our reach.
We look for pleasure in being treated like a slave because we forget that we have been set free. Oh, we were slaves once, but we don’t have to be anymore. We were prisoners once, but our chains have been broken. Why do we insist on returning to the very bondage from which we have been saved?
Because it’s so easy to be pulled away from the Truth that we are worthy, that we have been made pure, that we are cherished, the beloved children of God.
And sometimes, we’ve let our flesh form a habit so strong that it can be hard to break. Sometimes, even after a day full of truth and freedom, one small trigger can send us spiralling back toward slavery.
But we still love Jesus, and He has still redeemed us. The struggle seems never-ending, but His mercies are still new every morning, and He still calls us Beloved, even when every inch of our flesh fights against that grace. He is still patient, and He gently leads us to walk in His freedom… so it’s time to start walking together.
Goodness towards a woman like this is to support her struggle for freedom, not to encourage her participation in the slavery-type activities that feels right to her bad self image.
Note about commenting: I close down comments here right from the start, as the writer of this did not give permission to publish comments on her reflection.
Please be patient if your comments are not answered or approved quickly – I won’t be near my computer in the next few days.
I used to like doing apologetics, but I have grown weary of it lately. There are several reasons why I grew weary, but lately I thought, among others: “If the all-powerful God I serve chose, or allowed, to let Bible passages be included that could be used by a rather reasonable anti-Christian to call God murderous or misogynous (and God sure did)*, then He is bigger than me and He can defend himself against these charges.”
People show and accept love in different ways… Ever since i can remember, i’ve shown affection through compliance- before i knew there was a word for it, i would devote all of my time, attention, openness, and trust to someone i care about. From listening and obeying my father to tending to my boyfriend’s needs. This is the most natural way i know how to show love, and unfortunately, people have taken advantage of this throughout my life… His hunger for power turns into my hunger to surrender it. His sadistic urges become my masochistic ones… i’ve surrendered all control, even that of comfort. i’m enduring something unpleasant because i have no say- and that’s wonderful for me, because being in control on a day to day basis makes me anxious and sad. – Subself
These words were on the blog of a submissive, in answer to me (creating a tumblr under the nickname Cyberaza in order to start a conversation) when I expressed concern over (more…)
Vox claim #6) …most women overrate themselves by at least two points because they rate themselves by their hottest-ever hookup rather than by the average of their past romantic record.
If that claim was true, (more…)
By the comments on the previous post, I see another reason why we should not accept “but she consents”/” but I only do things she consents to” as a reason to find BDSM okay. The potential scenario, works like this:
Sue wants all the things most everyone wants: Kindness, tenderness, love, affirmation, to be valued and respected. But she fantasize about scenes where she is first broken down, humiliated, treated roughly – before being consoled and praised and tenderly built up again. Her brokenness (and aren’t we all broken, to some degree) happens to make her believe she need the negative part to find the positive part fulfilling.
Essentially, Sue does not, as a net effect, want being pushed down, so to speak, but to be picked up. (more…)